simon cowell luvs me

Well, at least in my dreams he does. Yeah, I admit it -- I dreamt about Simon Cowell the other night. That's what happens when you're paid to watch 75 million hours of American Idol. The damn show starts to creep into your subconscious.

Anyway, I dreamt that Simon Cowell and I were dating. But here's the thing, my screenwriting mind immediately took over the dream and began consciously retooling the dream and creating a romantic comedy.

It wasn't really ME that Simon was pursuing in this dream (because, heck, in real life I'm married) -- it was a character, somewhat based on ME. Cowell's love interest became a TV blogger (who may or may not have said some nasty stuff about him while covering his show) and mother of two. But unlike me, the character was divorced or widowed (because we all know that the Plucky Heroine must be single and unhappy to set up a good romantic comedy).

And so this dream (like so many of my other dreams) took on a life of its own and became became the outline for perfectly good Romantic Comedy. Here's what I came up with:

A somewhat anonymous small-time blogger (i.e. "Plucky Heroine") is sent to interview a Reality TV celebrity Judge (a fictionalized Simon Cowell). He of course is grumpy, and tired of talking to lowly bloggers. She is frazzled single mom trying to make a living and this is her first BIG interview. He tries to scare her -- but she can't be intimidated by him -- because she's dealt with freaking PTO MOMS!!! In fact, the Bitchiest PTO Mom is her mortal enemy -- an evil, power-hungry shrew who terrorizes the other moms. She makes Simon Cowell look like a kitty cat.

Anyway, of course -- SPARKS FLY during the interview (although we know this only happens in Romantic Comedies, because in real life celebs really only love talking about themselves and barely notice that interviewers are breathing human beings). Anyhoo, there is lots of conflict -- they are such obvious opposites. And yet, he likes her spunk and honesty. It's refreshing and it wakes him from his narcissistic-stupor. He goes back and reads her blog (even though he swears he never reads what people write about him), and is amused. Besides, he has begun to tire of beautiful, sexy, empty-headed models (ho hum, how boring). And he wonders what the heck he's really achieved in life -- well, besides accruing shitloads of money and hate mail.

Somehow in Act Two these two "opposites" begin spending a lot of time together. While this would never occur in real life, the plot will typically be contrived to make this happen. For  example, the Reality TV Judge suddenly wants to prove to this blogger that he's not as bad as the press makes him out to be (not that he cares what people think about him or so he says), so he invites her to shadow him (DAY AND NIGHT) for the next week. She agrees, because it will give her a bigger story -- maybe even the BIGGEST STORY of the year. After all, he is on the biggest show of the decade!! Of course, the more time they spend together, the closer they become. And against all odds -- they begin to fall in love...

Does Reality TV Judge really love this housewife/blogger or is he just having some sort of existential mental breakdown? Or worse, is he using her to change his prickly image in the press? Plucky Heroine admits that this guy is totally different in real life -- kind and caring and funny -- nothing like the bully he pretends to be on TV. But she has to think of her kids first.  And let's face it -- he's not the greatest role model for kids (he's known as "TV's biggest bully"). And worse -- he's admitted in the TABLOIDS that he doesn't like kids. Plus, what if he's putting on an act for her? He says "being a bully" is an act. And he loves his mom AND his kitty, which means that he can't be all bad, can he? 

Somehow by Act Three we know these two crazy kids -- although opposites --  can't live without each other. And he realizes that even though he doesn't like most kids, he DOES love Plucky Heroine's kids. And in a big climatic scene, the Reality TV Judge must show up and humiliate himself in front of a large audience to prove his love (Romantic Comedy 101 dictates that there must be a big public humiliation scene). He leaves the LIVE TAPING OF THE FINALE OF HIS OWN SHOW (the biggest show of the decade!!!) to ATTEND AN ELEMENTERY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW -- in which the Plucky Heroine's kids are performing. He slips in the back (he doesn't want to be recognized by the crowd, but wants to prove he's supportive of her kids). And from way in the back, he has an epiphany. He sees kids performing with passion and he is reminded about why he first got into the biz. It's not about money or fame or all that. It's about LOVE (ahhh, cue sappy music).

Unfortunately, the Bitchiest PTO Mom recognizes Cowell, and madness ensues. The crowd begs him to "critique" the talent. But he doesn't have it in him to be "mean" -- not about these lovely children who have melted the ice around his cold heart. Instead, he proposes to Plucky Heroine in front of an elementary school crowd. This scenario works on several levels. His public display of love humbles him and makes him worthy of our Plucky Heroine's love and affection. And the Bitchiest PTO Mom is left speechless with jealousy. Oh snap! She should have been nicer to our Plucky Heroine when she had the chance.

Everybody lives happily ever after (even the Bitchiesst PTO Mom who begs for a second chance and is forgiven by all).

Plucky Heroine will be played by Drew Barrymore naturally. And Reality TV Judge will be played by Kenneth Branaugh (because Hugh Grant is too obvious and already did Cowell in "American Dreamz").

Comments

[R. A. Porter]

Suhweet! But you know I'm as bad as you and have to toss in some suggestions, so how 'bout these?

- It's a parent-child talent contest at school, so he actually does get to be mean...about Bitchy PTO Mom

- Because of her interview, her blogging really gets the attention of the network and show's producers. Their ratings the year prior showed the first signs of slippage of the show, so they want to add some juice. They pay our plucky blogger to keep doing what she's doing, but with all-access granted. Going this way, the initial interview can be much more contentious and sparky so there's an Act 2 softening and the eventual Act 3 realization of love. The Harry Met Sally approach, sort of. She has to miss the final, live competition because her kid needs her for the talent show. Mom had started to get full of herself from the attention of Simon-clone and America in general, but she gets her wakeup call just in time to head home, a la Ben Affleck in "Jersey Girl"

- Personally, I think this is more Sandra Bullock's kind of role. Drew just can't do prickly.

- It does suck that it can't be Hugh. So perfect for the role. Although I did like Tim Curry's rendition on "Psych".

[Lizbeth]

Thanks for the input, Rich. I like Sandra Bullock, she could definitely work.

I personally would love to see Clive Owen in the Simon role because well, he's Clive, and it might be fun to see him do something light and romantic for a change.

[Ashley]

i feel like i just watched a movie already.