So, I'm trying to find a manager or agent and am sending out queries to get someone to read my stuff. As I do so, my insecurities are flaring. I hate the asking and the rejection that comes with it. It makes me feel like a nobody. And I'm reminded of this poem by Emily Dickinson:
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us - don't tell!
They'd advertise - you know!
How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell one's name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!
Like, Emily, I would find it "dreary" to be famous -- to have to live under public scrutiny. I have no desire to ever achieve notoriety in that way.
But god what I would give to be a SOMEBODY -- to have a name that OPENS DOORS. I'd love to write something hot off my laptop, and know that I can send it out to whomever I want. I'd love to have access to people who can make things happen. I'd love to have agents, managers, directors, and actors not only read my work -- but actually ask to read my work (then I could reject them instead of the other way around for a change).
But I'm just another NOBODY. And there's lots of us out here. We have talent. We have ambition. We have persistence. We have unlimited creative energy. But we don't have contacts. We weren't born into the business. And we haven't gotten our "lucky break" yet.
So along with the creative work we do, we hustle everyday, hoping for someone to see us as a SOMEBODY. We try not to take repeated rejection personally because we know most of the time they haven't even read our work (they're just afraid to take a chance on a NOBODY). We remind ourselves that we still have value, even though doors are shut to us and we are constantly reminded that we are NOBODY.
You know what really kills us? We know that THEY would take our calls if we were SOMEBODY. So we do our best to convince them that we may be a NOBODY now, but we're clearly a future SOMEBODY. We beg. We ask them to "just give us a chance and let the work speak for itself." But the work never speaks for itself. Being a NOBODY clouds their judgment. If you're a SOMEBODY, you take a sh*t and people think you're brilliant. It's just the way the world works.
I went to a writing conference, and the speaker said "This business is not for p*ssies." I know that, even as I sit here whining about how tough and soul-crushing this is. But, I've been doing this a long time now. I didn't expect things to happen overnight and I've hung in there longer than most, following the "never give up" mantra. It's not easy. I understand why people give up after only a half-hearted attempt.
How long have I been doing this? So long that I've seen quite a few NOBODIES become SOMEBODIES. And I've see what they become on the other side. Quite a few of them never look back. They act like they never knew us. They act like we're less than them. They forget what it's like to be a NOBODY.
And yet, I don't blame them. Like Emily, I imagine there is dreariness in being a SOMEBODY. It must be tough to have every TOM, DICK & NOBODY in the world suddenly acting like your bestest friend, asking for a favor. The requests must be endless. But then again, SOMEBODY helped you become a SOMEBODY. Does that mean you owe it to help another NOBODY out? Sure, but you can't help out thousands of NOBODIES. Can you?
As I begin to contact managers and agents in the hopes of finding representation, I almost feel like skipping the whole line of introduction, and just saying "I'm nobody, but then again who the hell are you?"
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