Yesterday, I felt the crash coming. For weeks, I have been going full speed. I have been blissfully happy and charging ahead with purpose and speed and efficiency. And then yesterday, out of the blue, I just began feeling blue.
There was no reason for the change. I just felt tired, spent, and a bit disconnected. I do this sometimes, I think, when my body and mind need a recharge and I need to step back and look inward for a while.
I think that of late, I have just been really happy and content and for someone who suffered from a lifetime of self-doubt and depression, it gets overwhelming to be so at ease with life. It is also sometimes difficult to forgo a lifetime of worry and to be comfortable and confident and not live with the fear that "something bad is coming around the corner." I truthfully thought that this journal would be full of rants and raves. I thought I would spew my displeasure with the world around me in a way to cover the displeasure with myself.
But instead, at the age of 36, I can say that I have found a kind of peace with myself. I also can say that most days I wake up and I am in love with life. I love my family and the life we have. I love my work and the inspiration that I find around me. It is so odd to find that after decades of feeling closed off from life, that I now find each and every day pleasurable and invigorating. I guess there is some wisdom that comes with age (and therapy and self-examination).
It has taken me this long to realize that I can accomplish a great deal more by acknowledging my "depressed moods" but then moving on and not allowing them to take hold of me. My moments of inward introspection are important to me. I think most writers (or most of the writers I know and have talked to) also have these moments, which I generally think of as my "depressed" moments. Maybe other people don't need to take a moment out of life to think about what it all means. But I need these pauses, every now and then, and I think they ultimately keep me going forward.
The other reason I have remained so positive of late, is because I have decided to surround myself with positive people and positive energy. I have little patience for things and people in my life that "suck the positive energy" from the world. By focusing on my two passions right now (my family, and my work) I have been able to channel most of my energy into really positive things. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you move from the "dark side" and into the light.
I've also come to accept the fact that others cannot make me happy. I have to find peace, love, happiness, and acceptance with myself first.
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