On my birthday, I sat and reflected over the last year, that was in many ways one of the toughest of my life. At least physically. Starting almost exactly a year ago I had been in pain almost every day.
Plus, it was a year of immense transitions. We moved into a new home. My daughter finished high school and started college. Our house was going through major renovations.
And I couldn't seem to get answers as to why pain seemed to be migrating through my body.
Yes, there was a back injury. Which likely inflamed my fibromyalgia. Which likely inflamed my Epstein Barr, which likely impacted my hormones, which were triggering tons of migraines, which all left my immune system depleted and exhausted.
This meant I felt like a Zombie who pushed through my days, and got things done that needed to get done but mostly I felt like I was just existing.
I didn't really enjoy much because constant pain was ruling my life. Plus, my house felt empty. My daughter was gone. And I was still mourning the loss of my dog, Elvis, from the year before. I hadn't admitted that I was sad. And that was impacting not just my mind, but my body as well.
But about six weeks ago, I began to come out of the fog I was is. What changed? Besides a year of intense therapies? I brought a puppy home. Her energy lightened my mood. Suddenly, I had something that needed me to get out of bed in the morning and walk no matter how bad I felt. Walking her made me move more so that I got the exercise I needed. Her kisses, and warmth made me feel good. She filled the hole in my heart left by Elvis and Olivia's recent departure and took my mind off my troubles. She was playful and loving. And she didn't seem to care that I couldn't do all the things I used to do. Even though I beat myself up for "being sick" or not being productive, or active, or athletic or successful. She didn't care.
Plus, this year of forced inactivity forced me to slow down and really made me look at myself and get me to know myself. We rush around thinking we have to be active all the time. But why? Who says we have to rush around? Who says we have to punch clocks? Who says we have to run ourselves so hard until we can't get out of bed?
So instead of trying to write, I took up knitting and found I loved it. I started walking and didn't berate myself for not being able to get to the gym for over a year. I heated up hearty organic soups but didn't beat myself up for not cooking big meals for my family. Meaning, I learned to take care of Liz. And I learned an important lesson during this year of pain -- I am stronger than I think I am. There were days I barely had energy to get out of bed, but I DID, I got up each day, and I persevered. I moved forward. I made progress. I didn't give up.
I found new ways and reasons to laugh. smile. love. I found ways to stay connected and inspired and moved towards light and joy even when I was being challenged to withdraw within myself. I didn't hide. I didn't disappear. The dark called but I fought. I fought. I fought.
We are all stronger than we think we are. And we all have challenges. Not all our challenges are physical. And in no way do I think my challenges are any greater than what someone else may be going through on any given day. They are just different.
Are there days I wished I could have skipped the last year completely? Oh sure, I am only human. But I think there are great lessons I learned in each day and each minute of the last year and I don't think I was meant to miss that experience. For that, I am grateful.
I am also grateful for my family and friends and doctors and amazing healers and spiritual guides who stood beside me and guided me through this time. I am not the most patient patient, I know. Caretakers don't always let others take care of them. So yes, I appreciate you all -- your strength, wisdom, intuition, humor, patience, and love. It wasn't just my pups who got me through this!!
And so I enter this new year, my 47th, with great expectations. Surely there will be new challenges. I will meet them head on, as I always do, never alone, but with renewed energy and strength.
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