i am the buddha mom....

I have been reading the book, "buddhism for mothers:  a calm approach to caring for yourself and your children," and I have to say I really dig it's approach to life.  What I like most about Buddhism as a core spiritual belief system is that it doesn't use GUILT (like most other religions) and it encourages you to look within yourself for salvation -- rather than to some god.

Anyway, this morning, I tried a little buddhist experiment with the kiddies. They started their usual crap a couple of minutes into the day. I'm in the kitchen preparing lunches and I hear "GIVE IT BACK!" and "No, You're Stupid!!!" and so I rush into the livingroom to break up the melee. Turns out the kids were fighting over a "plastic ninja sword" (don't ask me why) but Olivia was holding it and Jared didn't want her to and thus they were embroiled in a fight.

I calmly came into the room and said, "Olivia give me the sword."

Olivia immediately reacted, "Or what?"

"Or nothing,"I said in my new buddha mom calmness.  "I'm not going to threaten you..."

"OR THIS!!"  Jared roared, SLAPPING his sister's thigh hard,

In that moment I had a choice. I could scream at Jared, tell him he was BAD, and send him to time-out and escalate the drama -- or I could use the moment as a lesson.

"Jared, we do not hit!" I said.

"But mom," he began.

"Jared, please sit over there quietly,"

Olivia began to react in usual big girl fashion, "Because he's stupid."

"Olivia, we don't call each other names, even if our brother did hit us. So here's the deal guys," I said. "I'm not going to yell and I'm not going to threaten. Mommy has the sword now and we're going to discuss what just happened."

I took two minutes with each of them to discuss the reasons they were mad at each other and why they felt they needed to fight over an object. I explained that we SHARE all things in this house, and that fighting over objects is silly. I explained that if they are nice to other people, that people will be nice to them. Friends share, I told them.

"Olivia is not my friend," Jared said.

"Why not Jared?" I asked.  "Tell me who told you that your sister can't be friends."

Olivia chimed in, "You'd better not tell her...."

I already knew the answer -- TV. That's right, kids shows are hideous role models for children. And I wish I could wean my kids off the stuff for good. The message is clear in most kids shows: Big sisters are mean, whiny, and self-absorbed, and little brothers are big fat annoying PESTS.

YUCK!

So remember how we grew up with the goody-goody Brady Bunch and how they always resolved their issues with a good lesson from dad, and we thought this was sappy? Turns out that we need more shows like this for our kids. Apparently, children are not sophisticated enough to see reality portrayed and learn lessons from it, unless said lessons are explicit. If you show little boys being brats and big sisters being snots they think this is something they should aspire to, rather than reject.

My life lesson of today is simple: We, the parents, need to be the role models for our children -- not TV. We need to help our children see that they control their own actions, and without the threat of a spanking or mommy going ballistic on them, they need to know that they are responsible for what they do to others (i.e. hitting, calling names).

And I know now that I DO need to take more personal responsibility for showing them how to do this. I have been lax, or too quick to jump in. I need to control my own anger so that they can have a model for how to that. I need to keep practicing what I preach. I need to give them skills to deal with big emotions like frustration, disappointment, envy, resentment, and anger.

I'm not really a buddha mom, but for at least two minutes today, I did feel like one. 

Comments

[Genuine]

So I guess the walking over smacking them and telling them "We don't hit" is out? No wonder it seemed to be working so poorly.

[Shabe]

Pretty interesting stuff. So how did the conflict end up getting resolved?

[Lizbeth]

Once I diffused the situation, the fight ended fairly quickly. After we spoke, I gave Jared his sword back, and Olivia went onto something else because she clearly had no interest in the sword -- other than using it to torment her brother.

[Anne-Whitney]

That is so great - I've got to work on this some more too . . . I have found that the less tv my older kids watch, the better behaved they are.

[Lizt]

Can I borrow the book...when you're finished with it, of course...'cause I'm all about patience ;o)

[Diana]

I ask myself every day how I'm supposed to be the mom when I'm still growing up myself. It's so hard, isn't it? The tantrums, the tears, the melodrama. And then the KIDS, haha...